Good News for Apologists

Breaking News

In what Biblical scholars are calling the greatest doctrinal breakthrough in over three millennium, close associates of Jehovah have revealed that, what started as a simple prank, led to theologians writing hundreds of millions of pages of unnecessary convoluted arguments. It was Thor who, in an exclusive interview with Larry King, revealed that he, along with Aphrodite, managed to gain access to Jehovah’s iPhone while the Almighty was expressing to William Lane Craig the immense anguish braved by the Israelite soldiers whom He commanded to slaughter infants.

The divine pranksters altered the auto-correct feature on Jehovah’s iPhone to have some words automatically replaced with their opposites at the dawn of creation, leading to a hilarious three millennia of awkward apologetics. The inverted terms included the following.

“Hate” was changed to “Love”.
“Unjust” was changed to “Just”.
“Impatient” was changed to “Patient”.

The revelation of these changes definitively resolves the bewilderment theologians perennially experienced while attempting to reconcile the behavior of Jehovah with claims about his character. Thor and Aphrodite giggled for ages while apologists anguished over the notion of a god who becomes so wrathful over a single offense that he can think of nothing better to do than to damn to Hell the offender, and yet who is called “loving”, “just” and “patient”. The red-faced theologians now admit the revelation makes obvious sense, and have admonished the faithful to accept this far more sensible description of Jehovah’s character that is indisputably reflected in His 1) commandment to slaughter infants, 2) refusal to condemn slavery, 3) requirement for rape victims to marry their rapists, and, of course, 4) damnation to Hell of any sinner who follows a sin nature they neither requested nor can avoid.

Snorting his bemusement, Thor revealed to Larry King other, perhaps less disruptive, inverted terms.

“Speak to the finger” was changed to “Pray”.
“Screw Africa” was changed to “Amen”.
“Marvin” was changed to “Lucifer”.

When asked why they would do such a thing, Aphrodite invoked the long history of Jehovah co-opting pagan holidays for His own worship. Other deities are reported to have found the prank over-the-top as it has led to a prolific volume of painfully perverse YouTube videos defending this impossible description of a loving, just and patient Jehovah acting hateful, unjust, and not just a little impatient.

Jehovah refused calls on the incident, but it is rumored that Thor’s hammer was spotted hanging high on a high-school flagpole along with Aphrodite’s most recent Victoria’s Secret purchase.

King in the Woods

The rumor spread quickly. There was a king in the woods. Some young lad had returned to the village the night before, and had said he had chatted with a king somewhere in the small woods next to the village. A king! The villagers had never seen a king, and they were excited by the prospect of having their own king living in their very woods!

In fact, the next day 131 of the villagers, nearly half of the village, equipped themselves with cameras and flashlights and king-detectors of all sorts and rushed off to the woods, Continue reading

Leprechaun In A Box

The following is a modified version of a fictional conversation between a leprechaunist and a non-believer taken from the Non Prophets site.

I believe that the box has a leprechaun in it.

I don’t believe that. Why do you?

I heard him talking.

I don’t believe that either. In fact, I know of no evidence that leprechauns exist.

Well, either there is a leprechaun in the box or there isn’t, right?


So it’s 50-50. And since I heard him talk, I’m sure that it contains a leprechaun.

Either the box contain a leprechaun or it does not, but that does not mean the odds are 50-50.
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Predators And Their Rules

wolf“Who are you kidding? You’re no lamb” the wolf snarled through teeth oozing drool while facing the hound through the fog.
“That does not make me a wolf” the hound retorted and held his ground as the herd shifted nervously behind him.
“What business do you have defending creatures not even of your own species?” the wolf growled.
“What business do you have preying on the innocent simply for the sake of sport?” the hound replied. “It’s not as if you haven’t eaten recently.”
“I provide a service” the wolf said while staring aloft in an attempt to add dignity to his words. “I provide sheep with the scars that liberate them from their pathetic innocence.”
The hound eyes blazed. “And those that limp around life never recovered from their wounds? I also provide a service; to inform those I feel compassion for that you are a dishonest beast only interested in their consumption.”
“Where is your loyalty?” the wolf snarled. “Carnivores ought to share the available prey, and not snitch out those who might be wolves.”
“Were I to consume your pups, would you hold to your rule?” the hound inquired. “You’re merely conjuring up arbitrary rules in an attempt to advance your own ignoble agenda. Having fangs does not make us the same as yours are predatory, and mine are reserved for tearing apart your flanks should you ever pursue any lamb I have chosen to protect.”
Snarling one last innocuous time, the wolf slunk back into the fog.

Moral: Don’t even think about taking advantage of my friends and family.
Motivation: Recent exchanges with wolves I tolerate, but do not respect.

Pregobbled Gobblers

gobbleWe’re never going to fly. At least that’s what the scientific turkeys pecking about in the next coop would have us believe. To me, it’s demeaning. As if we are no better than chickens. These gobbling scientists go on and on about things they could not possibly know. Things like mortality. They suggest there’s no evidence for immorality, when common sense tells us all that we each possess an avian soul that will someday molt these flightless bodies, and become eagles, soaring into the eternal sky. Why would we possess wings if this were not true? The High Gobbler has clearly delivered to us the faithful oral tradition how this, our destiny, is assuredly awaiting those of us who have sufficient faith.

The scientists, in contrast, gobble that there is no evidence that we are all, by nature, eagles, and suggest that we are genetically more similar to chickens! They’ve also ruffled more than just a few feathers this autumn by denying the existence of the Triune Eagle-Gobbler-Spirit after whose likeness we were all created. They claim to have solid evidence backing their claims. May they die of avian flu.
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The Great Pumpkin

pumpkinJoseph and Albert were both very intelligent 9-year-olds. They both had pumpkin gardens. They both planned to win 1st prize for “Largest Pumpkin” at the county fair now only 3 days away.

Joseph spoke confidently as suggested by this font.
Albert spoke more pensively as suggested by this font.
The boys spoke as they walked home from school.
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The Ghost Of Abner

ghostsBob scowled, then turned to size up the rookie. Jim looked innocent enough in his well-groomed hair and polished shoes that mirrored the commissioner’s office, but innocence is a quality not always amenable to homicide work.

“I don’t think we actually need to take on an additional homicide detective” Bob finally said, still looking at his annoyed reflection in Jim’s shoes.

“Just do it as a favor to me” insisted the commissioner. “Jim’s grandfather Joshua was very instrumental in the founding of Gnostipolis, and Jim’s father is in good standing with the community.”

Bob scratched his mustache. “It sounds to me like someone has job-security anxiety, plus I don’t owe any favors to anyone.”
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