The Best Sex Is With Someone You Love

itemThis post is an elaboration of #6 from a list of things I learned early in life.


Some friends think I’m crazy, but I’ve turned down more than a dozen offers of one-night-stands in Tokyo. And it’s not that I won’t take a girl home the first time I meet her if I find her fascinating in the required dimensions (no, not only those dimensions), but I need someone with whom I can emotionally connect.

I was a virgin when married at age 23, and was quite idealistic about the beauty of having sex with someone I planned to be with forever. A divorce and several relationships later, I still find myself happiest when I’m focused on only one interesting woman, though I acknowledge now that romantic love is not very obedient to expectations, and may not be as forever as I initially plan.

I guess it’s largely a function of my background that I’m not out to “score” as if it is some game to validate one’s manhood. I tend to stress my more homely traits when first meeting a girl. If my honestly does not repulse her, and I find her equally honest, provided that we connect on a sufficient number of other points, I have no problem taking it physical right away.

I did take one girl home the first night we met about 5 years ago, and it resulted in a 2.5 year relationship. I don’t have the patience to waste dating a couple times a week for 6 months before deciding whether we are compatible. In fact, there is nothing more efficient than sleeping with a girl to determine whether the connection is sustainable.

But once you’ve mutually decided that you are in fact highly compatible, wow! There are few things as wonderful as making love every night to someone you love to a warm degree. I won’t play semantic games here with the word “love”. For me it is sometimes a bit paternal, and nearly always it is based on a very significant friendship component. The spark of physical attraction is certainly necessary, but if sexual satisfaction is the only goal, the union is unsatisfying to me. I want to know I’m with someone I honestly connect to. I certainly cannot imagine myself attempting to seduce a girl through deceit.

Does this idealism noticeably reduce my opportunities? Opportunities for what? Drama? Guilt? Stress? No thanks. I just need a relationship of quiet understanding in which my girl and I share trust and mutual appreciation without the need to test each other with childish games. And it is within this type of relationship that I’ve found love-making to be most incredibly fulfilling.


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3 thoughts on “The Best Sex Is With Someone You Love

  1. McDaddyo says:

    You might be confusing the quality of relationships with the quality of sex. I’m pretty sure you’d agree that it’s OK to judge sexual experience in and of itself, separate from the relationship.
    It’s possible to have lousy sex with someone you really, truly, deeply love. It’s probably not all that uncommon.
    I’ve had great, memorable, satisfying sex with people I was not in love with and I’m pretty sure weren’t in love with me — though I wouldn’t argue with your essential premise that the BEST sex is with someone you love, since that has been my experience as well.
    I don’t think I believe you, though, when you say a union is unsatisfying if its only goal is sexual satisfaction. How disappointing. How limited. How prejudiced. Sex exists as a practice and state of being and an art, even, independently of a relationship. To denigrate that is just silly and unnecessary, though it may help you get laid, ironically, but in exactly the way you fear leads to unnecessary drama, guilt and stress.
    Sex is indeed a really great way to enhance a beautiful loving relationship.
    And yes, Phil, if you truly have been offered “one-night stands” in the quantities mentioned and turned them down, you are at least a bit crazy. Not because one couldn’t find good reasons not to want to have one night stands, but because you don’t get offered those kinds of things at the post office. You get offered them at parties or nightclubs or places where people who are looking for that kind of thing go. And you don’t get offered that kind of thing without sending out some kind of signals and or offers of your own. So yes, you’re a cunt tease, Phil, and that’s a bit nutty.

  2. Yes, I don’t find a relationship satisfying if it is based only on sex. I’ve had too many warm relationships with intelligent and colorful women to imagine that I would be satisfied with anything less. It makes the sex much more intense.

  3. Stella says:

    I remember how in Sunday School we had a “chastity week” bullshit thing where we had to promise in front of the whole congregation that we would remain virgins till we were married. One boy kept his rear planted in the pews. I would have done well to do the same. :)

    Now, one could say I have several husbands, though none legal, and not all these “marriages” are even consummated.

    Just because I haven’t seen a boyfriend in a while doesn’t mean we are not still together in some sense. And it doesn’t mean that he and I will never have time together again. Hell, we could get together at 70 for an even longer, hotter stint than the first time around.

    Phil, you have a sexy mind.

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