Judge Jehovah Demands Euthyphro’s Wife Be Raped

Last Thursday, Judge Jehovah, the only judge in Absurdburg, delivered from the bench an edict that shocked many in the community. The edict stipulated that Euthyphro, a local philosopher, have his wife taken from him, and be given to a man named Christopher McCredulous to be raped in the park across from the courthouse in full view of the entire town.
  • Thus says the Lord: I will bring evil upon you out of your own house. I will take your wives while you live to see it, and will give them to your neighbor. He shall lie with your wives in broad daylight.

    (2 Samuel 12:11-14)

    This was in the context of King David’s sin of adultery and murder of the woman’s husband.
    Note how the women involved in this situation suffer much more than the one actually deserving punishment.

McCredulous performed the rape as stipulated in the edict Sunday afternoon while Euthyphro wept, restrained by 2 police officers, and as the town looked on. When finished, McCredulous was asked by reporters whether he felt any guilt or shame after committing such an act. “Who am I to question a legal edict uttered by Judge Jehovah himself?” he responded. Do you think you would obey a biblical command even if it went against your moral commonsense? Is taking someone else’s wife and raping her in broad daylight moral because the wife has been taking from that man and given to you to rape?

Is a legal edict legal because a judge utters it?

Is a moral act moral because a god commands it?

A second reporter then inquired, “Is what is legal commanded by Judge Jehovah because it is legal, or is it legal because it is commanded by Judge Jehovah? In other words, does the act of utterance by Judge Jehovah infuse the words with legal potency, or does Judge Jehovah utter only those words that already are infused with legal potency?

Is what is moral commanded by God because it is moral, or is it moral because it is commanded by God?
[ Euthyphro’s Dilemma ]

McCredulous had no answer. Ironically, it seems it was this very question, introduced by Euthyphro, that had enraged Judge Jehovah Saturday during a neighborhood barbecue, and had led to the edict. This was not their first less-than-amicable exchange inside sources now tell us. There seem to have been bad blood between the two men for quite some time. Long known for his xenophobic tirades and contempt for critical thought, Jehovah had been observed cursing Euthyphro and his “abominable logic” on the back steps of the courthouse as recently as last week.

  • Where is the wise? Where is the scribe? Where is the disputer of this world? Hath not God made foolish the wisdom of this world?
    (1 Corinthians 1:20)
  • But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty;
    (1 Corinthians 1:27)

Our legal correspondent reports that, as McCredulous was about the task of raping Euthophro’s wife, Judge Jehovah was over-heard explaining the situation to his son. “It was a false dilemma. Legality is an inextricable part of my character. You agree, don’t you, Son?” One common response to Euthyphro’s Dilemma is to reason that,

…an objective standard exists (this avoids the first horn of the dilemma). However, the standard is not external to God, but internal (avoiding the second horn). Morality is grounded in the immutable character of God, who is perfectly good. His commands are not whims, but rooted in His holiness.
[ Source ]

Does this work for you?

Some prominent citizens of Absurdburg agreed with the notion that any injunction uttered by Judge Jehovah is, in the very act of the utterance, infused with legal status. They say that edicts such as the injunction to have Euthyphro’s wife raped by McCredulous become entirely legal the moment they leave the lips of Judge Jehovah. They point out that ordinary citizens do not have nearly the reasoning capacity to assess what should and should not be legal, and that things would end up one big subjective mess if we tried. One Christian writes,

“…but since we do not know the mind of God, we cannot and should not dictate what He can or cannot do for His own glory…no matter how “unfair” we may think it is.”

These citizens who defend Judge Jehovah say we need an objective legal code. When it was pointed out that their notion of “objectivity” seems to actually have a subjective source in the emotions of Judge Jehovah, most began to refer to the boundless love that Judge Jehovah has for the citizens of Adsurdburg. After centuries of atrocities committed by Jehovah in the Old Testament, the New Testament gives Jehovah a makeover.

  • God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.
    (John 4:17)

Well, at least some of the New Testament.

  • For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men.
    (Romans 1:18a)

Mainstream Christian theology claims that a single sin evokes enough wrath from God that he condemns us to an eternity in Hell.

Local pollsters did, indeed, discover last year that Jehovah had a well-established reputation as being “compassionate” and “merciful”. While one dissenting pollster named Al had promised to produce a report showing that, if something is repeated enough, people start believing it more than the actual fact, this report was never delivered, as presumably it was in the Al’s possession when he and his house were swallowed by the earth on June 19 of this year. Might this notion of a “loving” Jehovah be selective theology? Read the bonus section at the bottom of this article to assess the ratio of Jehovah’s love to his wrath in terms of biblical references. Is Jehovah more about love…or wrath? Not that it’s wrong for any god to be wrathful. But biblical claims that Jehovah is loving and merciful don’t add up given the clear descriptions of his wrath and the pairing of infinite torture with as little as a single lie, do they?
This reputation of Judge Jehovah as a Judge of love has a small group of other local citizens enraged. They point out that the history of edicts uttered by Judge Jehovah belie a childish bully who habitually has people killed or tortured for reasons as trite as admiring other judges. The boy that attempted to peep into Jehovah’s window last year had his legs amputated as ordered in the subsequent edict. However, our commitment to balanced reporting behooves us to point out that Jehovah did send the boy flowers as evidence of his compassion.

1. In Genesis 7:21-23, Jehovah drowns the entire population of the earth: men, women, children, fetuses, and animals.
2. In Exodus 12:29, Jehovah slaughters all Egyptian firstborn children and cattle because their king was stubborn.
3. In Numbers 16:41-49, the Israelites complain that Jehovah is killing too many of them. So, Jehovah sends a plague that kills 14,000 more of them.
4. In 1 Samuel 6:19, Jehovah kills 50,000 men for peeking into the ark of the covenant.
5. In Numbers 31:7-18, the Israelites kill all the Midianites except for the virgins, whom they are allowed to rape as spoils of war.
6. In 2 Kings 2:23-24, some kids tease the prophet Elisha, and Jehovah sends bears to dismember them.
[ Source ].

They also point out absurdities emergent of the second part of Euthyphro’s proposed dilemma. First, they argue, if what is uttered by Judge Jehovah has no prior authorization, but becomes legal simply by virtue of the utterance, then legality is entirely arbitrary, based on the emotions of the utterer. They also point out that saying a judge is acting within what is legal when he utters edicts that become legal upon the utterance has no non-circular, self-referential meaning. Some have gone so far as to question the stark lack of evidence that Judge Jehovah has even passed the bar exam that would give him the authority to judge. These disobedient citizens even refuse to rise when Judge Jehovah enters the room, and audibly call him an impostor. Here’s a link to a list of former followers of Judge Jehovah who now claim that their acceptance of his authority was illegitimate.
It seems most citizens are unperturbed by the dilemma, and are going about their daily lives quite happily accepting Judge Jehovah’s edicts without complaint. They pause only to ask, “if Judge Jehovah is not a real judge, then where would we get our legal guidelines from?” When it is suggested that common sense and a democratic process might work quite effectively, they shrug this off as imperfect, and therefore unacceptable. This is great news for Judge Jehovah who plans later today to issue and edict that would require all citizen of Absurdburg to attack and kill all residents the town across the river, except for the virgins whose fate we can only guess at.

Christ came to magnify the law and make it honorable (Isaiah 42:21), not to minimize it or cast it aside. Christ knew humans need moral principles to live by if they are to have a decent society.
[ Source ]

So are Judge Jehovah’s edicts necessary for us to act properly? Read this study.

  • Now kill all the boys and all the women who have slept with a man. Only the young girls who are virgins may live; you may keep them for yourselves.
    (Numbers 31:7-18)

For a bonus on the wrath of Jehovah, read the following taken from a Christian website.

However, God’s anger at sinners is so severe that the Bible says He hates them (Ps. 5:5; Hos. 9:15; Amos 5:21; Mal. 1:3; Rom. 9:13; Rev. 2:6). Additionally, God’s wrath is mentioned nearly 600 times in the Old Testament by some 20 different words and these concepts are also found in the New Testament, though less frequently (e.g., John 3:36; Rom. 1:18; 5:9; Eph. 5:6; Col. 3:6; 1 Thess. 1:10). Jesus is also said to have wrath (Rev. 6:16-17). Some people greatly struggle to accept the truth that God’s anger is personal, while hypocritically having no reservation in accepting the personal love of God. Still others will say that a loving God could not get angry, but a loving God is by definition required to be angry at sinners who destroy that which He loves, such as widows and orphans (Ex. 22:22-24), faithful spouses (Ezek. 23:20-25), and innocent people (Ezek. 16:38). Indeed, the Bible speaks of God’s anger, wrath, and fury more than His love, grace, and mercy.

Double bonus! I just ran across a letter that explains why Jehovah appears to be so malicious.

Did you know that Satan perverts the Word of God? Satan loves to do this. He misuses and reverses the WORD OF GOD and uses it to his own diabolical purposes. There are some ll89 chapters in the Bible and Satan, doubtless to say, has read every single chapter. HE MAY NOT BE A BIBLE LOVER, but HE IS A BIBLE READER. (1) Satan likes to take scripture out of context…. (2) Satan causes scripture to be misinterpreted! (3) He overstresses one side of a doctrine and ignores the other side. (4) Understresses certain doctrines. (5) He resists the prayers of God’s servants. (6) HE BLINDS MEN TO THE TRUTH. (7) He steals the Word of God from human hearts.
[ Source ]


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