Loving Mayor Demands Immunity On Child Abuse Charges

In what local authorities call one of the worse cases of absurdity seen to date, Jehovah, the self-proclaimed mayor of Absurdburg and the alleged father of a multitude of children was questioned on suspicion of child abuse. Found in the basement of his suburban home were several torture apparati along with a shipping receipt from Dante Corporation.

  • But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whore-mongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death. (Revelations 21:8)
  • And cast ye the unprofitable servant into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth (Matthew 25:30).
  • But he shall say, I tell you, I know you not whence ye are; depart from me, all ye workers of iniquity. There shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth… (Luke 13:27-28).

Upon being questioned by reporters, Jehovah initially said “But I love my children! Why all this focusing on the negative? If they only obey me and follow me, they have absolutely nothing to fear!”

  • The LORD hath appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee. (Jeremiah 31:3)
  • It is of the LORD’s mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. (Lamentations 3:22)

However, police report that the children were tortured for domestic infractions as minor as lying. When pressed about the exact nature of the torture, Jehovah confessed that every infraction was equally deserving of eternal torture. When asked about the inherent absurdity in the mismatching of minor finite infractions to an infinite punishment, Jehovah responded “These are my children! Are you questioning how I treat my own children? They know I love them.”

  • Thou art of purer eyes than to behold evil, and canst not look on iniquity: (Habakkuk 1:13a)
  • For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lasciviousness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness: All these evil things come from within, and defile the man. (Mark 7:21-23)
  • Nay but, O man, who art thou that repliest against God? Shall the thing formed say to him that formed it, Why hast thou made me thus? Hath not the potter power over the clay, of the same lump to make one vessel unto honour, and another unto dishonour? (Romans 9:20)
  • For he saith to Moses, I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion. (Romans 9:15)

When ask why he did not simply forgive the children he claimed to love so much without torturing them as do most loving fathers, Jehovah simply shrugged and refused to comment. This appeared especially odd after a list of household rules was discovered that included an injunction for the children to forgive each other without demanding any form of punishment of the offender.

  • For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. (Isaiah 55:8)
  • For who hath known the mind of the Lord? or who hath been his counsellor? (Romans 11:34)
  • For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: (Matthew 6:14)
  • Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him. And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him. (Luke 17:3-4)

When reporters requested documentation to support Jehovah’s paternal claims to the many children discovered in the home, none was offered but an old book of uncertain origins, with dubious, contradictory, and vague claims; the very same document that Jehovah has previously invoked in an attempt to establish his right to mayorship over Absurdburg.

  • O LORD, there is none like thee, neither is there any God beside thee, according to all that we have heard with our ears. (1 Chronicles 17:20)
  • Behold, what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God: (1 John 3:1a)
  • All scripture is given by inspiration of God. (2 Timothy 3:16a)

A young girl found sobbing in the backyard, apparently upset by allegations that Jehovah was not her real father screamed at police “But Daddy didn’t torture us! Only Joshua was tortured!” After police had calmed the child, it emerged that Jehovah had especially loved one exceptionally good child named Joshua who may have actually been his biological son. Jehovah had decided to torture Joshua for 3 days, then allowed the other children to bathe in the blood of this boy Joshua as a way of receiving forgiveness for violating household rules. However, children who refused to perform this bloody rite of redemption (called “good news” by Jehovah), were tortured in the basement for eternity.

  • And almost all things are by the law purged with blood; and without shedding of blood is no remission. (Hebrews 9:22)
  • But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin. (1 John 1:7)
  • But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8)
  • …when we were enemies, we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son,… (Romans 5:10)

It appears that children who were covered in the blood of Joshua were promised a nice eternal bedroom on the second floor of the home that Joshua had promised to decorate, and where he was waiting for them. An adolescent boy on the scene said “Jesus would not have promised us an upstairs bedroom if it were not true!” Younger children behind him nodded in agreement.

  • In my Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also. (John 14:2-3)

Inexplicably, some children have been residing in rooms of the house apart from the other children, and have never heard of the deal that Jehovah had made with most of the children concerning the blood of Joshua. Asked whether there was an exemption from eternal torture for these children, Jehovah said “They are without excuse and will be tortured since they can obviously see my eternal power and mayor-like nature.” When it was pointed out that this response did not include reference to the blood of Joshua as the deal to avoid torture stipulated, Jehovah refused to comment. However, several of the children babbled incoherently about Jehovah’s infinite wisdom, and changed the topic to the persecution of their family.

  • He that believeth on the Son hath everlasting life: and he that believeth not the Son shall not see life; but the wrath of God abideth on him. (John 3:36)
  • For the invisible things of him from the creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even his eternal power and Godhead; so that they are without excuse: (Romans 1:20)

Another child, speaking upon condition of anonymity, expressed doubt that the pleasures of the promised second-floor bedroom were sufficient to keep her from crying about the torture that Jehovah would be administering to her unrepentant siblings in the basement.

  • And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. (Revelation 21:4)

Many neighbors expressed amazement that most of the children vehemently defended their alleged father, even when confronted by the apparati of torture in the basement. When reporters asked these children how they reconciled their father’s affirmations of enormous affection with the weeping and gnashing of teeth they sometimes heard in the basement, they simply responded with “Daddy is smarter than all of you!” or “we will never give up our faith in Daddy!”

  • Where is the wise? where is the scribe? where is the disputer of this world? hath not God made foolish the wisdom of this world? (1 Corinthians 1:20)
  • The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God. (Psalm 14:1a)
  • But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty; (1 Corinthians 1:27)
  • Jesus answered and said unto them, Verily I say unto you, If ye have faith, and doubt not, ye shall not only do this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done. (Matthew 21:21)
  • Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth. (Mark 9:23)

There has since erupted a controversy among local residents with some, including Jehovah himself, claiming that there should be immunity from prosecution due to Jehovah’s alleged status as mayor. Others contend that a true mayor would not threaten his own children with the threat of eternal torture for infractions as small as lying. Local citizens are encouraged to voice their opinions on this matter. It might be noted that Jehovah has had a history of questionable morals.

For those children of Jehovah who find the rather dark report in the left column excessively disturbing, reading the verses in the right column while accompanied by beautiful hymns, pulpited rhetoric, and ecclesiastic isolation so as to avoid thinking about their real implications should help dissipate the cognitive dissonance. Emotion will nearly always trump reason.



2 thoughts on “Loving Mayor Demands Immunity On Child Abuse Charges

  1. 4riozs says:

    Wow. Very well writen. I hope you don’t mind me commenting. I’ve stopped in a few times, I found your blog through another blog.

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