Pregobbled Gobblers

gobbleWe’re never going to fly. At least that’s what the scientific turkeys pecking about in the next coop would have us believe. To me, it’s demeaning. As if we are no better than chickens. These gobbling scientists go on and on about things they could not possibly know. Things like mortality. They suggest there’s no evidence for immorality, when common sense tells us all that we each possess an avian soul that will someday molt these flightless bodies, and become eagles, soaring into the eternal sky. Why would we possess wings if this were not true? The High Gobbler has clearly delivered to us the faithful oral tradition how this, our destiny, is assuredly awaiting those of us who have sufficient faith.

The scientists, in contrast, gobble that there is no evidence that we are all, by nature, eagles, and suggest that we are genetically more similar to chickens! They’ve also ruffled more than just a few feathers this autumn by denying the existence of the Triune Eagle-Gobbler-Spirit after whose likeness we were all created. They claim to have solid evidence backing their claims. May they die of avian flu.

Just think of the implications if those gobbling science and logic and reason were correct!

  • There is no meaning in life. Surely life is not just accidental! We all feel the meaning in our lives, and it’s clearly not just a product of our avian minds.
  • We would have no objective purpose or destiny. We might as well all commit suicide in the next rainstorm if this were true.
  • We would have to acknowledge that we are not noble turkeys, but are instead, cousins of the common chicken.

These are the implications of what they are saying. Is this what we want to believe? They would take all the joy out of life by demeaning what it means to be a turkey, especially in this fine month of November when we’ve never been so plump!

Just recently, a few gobbling scientist began gobbling about some day near the end of this month when thousands of us are supposed to be “disappeared”, citing an event 350 days ago (long before any of us were born) when the flock was decimated. They claim that the featherless bipedal oddities that the High Gobbler has trained to feed us and tend to us will turn into horrible beasts that will bake and eat us. This is surely just a myth perpetuated by the rebellious deniers of the Triune Eagle-Gobbler-Spirit. Their strange and incoherent references to cranberry sauce strongly support this.

These scientific gobblers are now suggesting to our chicks that the next generation should employ intelligence and reason to devise a way to escape this warm and lovely coop before next November. They claim that there are actually wild turkeys living long and happy lives outside the decorative wires surrounding our coop. I don’t know about you, but I would not want to live in a world that did not contain free grain and infrared lighting. And I’d hate to have the reputation of being “wild”.

So my advice to young gobblers is to out-gobble the gobbling of the scientific gobblers. Drown them out with loudly gobbled passages from the sacred oral tradition. And whatever you do, don’t look at the evidence. Hold your heads high! We are turkeys! Let’s act like turkeys!


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