Jerks and Genes

CityA week ago a female friend asks me for advice on how to spot a “nice guy”. She asks this with a very sincere look on her face as if she really wants a nice guy, and I do not have the heart to tell her that I know all about the “jerk gene” that all women possess that makes a girl walk the full length of a bar past all the nice guys, and right up to the jerk who slept with her best friend the previous night.

So I say “All the nice guys you’ll discover to be very active on Facebook or other social networks.” She is startled to hear such an easy solution. So I go on to explain that these will be guys with a large web of over-lapping social relations from every domain of their lives. Not only will he be connected to his last 3 girlfriends, but they will all be connected to each other and to his mother who is connected to his boss’s wife. His birthday, e-mail address and phone number will all be there on his profile.

A jerk, on the other hand, has difficulty conceiving of having one romantic interest aware of another since he continually confuses terms such as consecutive and concurrent. Such a collision of romantic dimensions would shatter his universe, and tear asunder the web of lies that he has invested much of his life weaving. This inscrutable off-line life enables him to state with all apparent honestly that you, the girl who has just walked across the bar, are indeed the first girl that has ever made him them think about settling down and having babies. This lie is not really his fault since he is also a victim; a victim of the corresponding “boob gene” that doubles the productivity of both his cognitive lie generator and the earnestness on his face for every blouse button you’ve missed.

So girls, once you get to that point where you have learned to suppress your “jerk gene” (probably sometime in your 70s), take a look at the guys with vast and diverse social relations on Facebook. These are the guys who will never lie to you. But of course, I’m writing as if that’s what you really want.

The other day, one of my guy friends who has failed to undergo “boob gene” therapy complained “The lies that worked for so long are beginning to fail me. Where have all the gullible women gone?” I winced, hesitated, then said “Have you ever heard of Facebook?”


One thought on “Jerks and Genes

  1. pastfirst says:

    I had a good giggle. You’re so right.
    It’s never entered my mind about the connection of “nice guys” and facebook.
    And as you insinuate, since when do women want to meet nice guys?

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