Judge Jehovah Demands Euthyphro’s Wife Be Raped

Last Thursday, Judge Jehovah, the only judge in Absurdburg, delivered from the bench an edict that shocked many in the community. The edict stipulated that Euthyphro, a local philosopher, have his wife taken from him, and be given to a man named Christopher McCredulous to be raped in the park across from the courthouse in full view of the entire town.	Thus says the Lord: I will bring evil upon you out of your own house. I will take your wives while you live to see it, and will give them to your neighbor. He shall lie with your wives in broad daylight. (2 Samuel 12:11-14) This was in the context of King David’s sin of adultery and murder of the woman’s husband. Note how the women involved in this situation suffer much more than the one actually deserving punishment.
McCredulous performed the rape as stipulated in the edict Sunday afternoon while Euthyphro wept, restrained by 2 police officers, and as the town looked on. When finished, McCredulous was asked by reporters whether he felt any guilt or shame after committing such an act. “Who am I to question a legal edict uttered by Judge Jehovah himself?” he responded.	Do you think you would obey a biblical command even if it went against your moral commonsense? Is taking someone else’s wife and raping her in broad daylight moral because the wife has been taking from that man and given to you to rape? Is a legal edict legal because a judge utters it? Is a moral act moral because a god commands it?

Loving Mayor Demands Immunity On Child Abuse Charges

In what local authorities call one of the worse cases of absurdity seen to date, Jehovah, the self-proclaimed mayor of Absurdburg and the alleged father of a multitude of children was questioned on suspicion of child abuse. Found in the basement of his suburban home were several torture apparati along with a shipping receipt from Dante Corporation.	But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whore-mongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death. (Revelations 21:8) And cast ye the unprofitable servant into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth (Matthew 25:30). But he shall say, I tell you, I know you not whence ye are; depart from me, all ye workers of iniquity. There shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth… (Luke 13:27-28).
Upon being questioned by reporters, Jehovah initially said “But I love my children! Why all this focusing on the negative? If they only obey me and follow me, they have absolutely nothing to fear!”	The LORD hath appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee. (Jeremiah 31:3) It is of the LORD’s mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. (Lamentations 3:22)