This post is an elaboration of #6 from a list of things I learned early in life.
Some friends think I’m crazy, but I’ve turned down more than a dozen offers of one-night-stands in Tokyo. And it’s not that I won’t take a girl home the first time I meet her if I find her fascinating in the required dimensions (no, not only those dimensions), but I need someone with whom I can emotionally connect.
I was a virgin when married at age 23, and was quite idealistic about the beauty of having sex with someone I planned to be with forever. A divorce and several relationships later, I still find myself happiest when I’m focused on only one interesting woman, though I acknowledge now that romantic love is not very obedient to expectations, and may not be as forever as I initially plan.
I guess it’s largely a function of my background that I’m not out to “score” as if it is some game to validate one’s manhood. I tend to stress my more homely traits when first meeting a girl. If my honestly does not repulse her, and I find her equally honest, provided that we connect on a sufficient number of other points, I have no problem taking it physical right away.
I did take one girl home the first night we met about 5 years ago, and it resulted in a 2.5 year relationship. I don’t have the patience to waste dating a couple times a week for 6 months before deciding whether we are compatible. In fact, there is nothing more efficient than sleeping with a girl to determine whether the connection is sustainable.
But once you’ve mutually decided that you are in fact highly compatible, wow! There are few things as wonderful as making love every night to someone you love to a warm degree. I won’t play semantic games here with the word “love”. For me it is sometimes a bit paternal, and nearly always it is based on a very significant friendship component. The spark of physical attraction is certainly necessary, but if sexual satisfaction is the only goal, the union is unsatisfying to me. I want to know I’m with someone I honestly connect to. I certainly cannot imagine myself attempting to seduce a girl through deceit.
Does this idealism noticeably reduce my opportunities? Opportunities for what? Drama? Guilt? Stress? No thanks. I just need a relationship of quiet understanding in which my girl and I share trust and mutual appreciation without the need to test each other with childish games. And it is within this type of relationship that I’ve found love-making to be most incredibly fulfilling.